PUT-IN-BAY, OH – In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has reportedly demanded the immediate dismantling of the iconic Perry’s Victory and International Peace Memorial, the towering 352-foot monument commemorating the Battle of Lake Erie and nearly two centuries of peace between the United States and Canada. Sources close to the ex-president claim the move is a direct response to ongoing tariff disputes with America’s northern neighbor.
“He said, ‘If Canada won’t play ball on trade, we don’t need their peace tower staring at us from Ohio,’” whispered an anonymous insider, allegedly quoting Trump during a late-night Mar-a-Lago rant. The monument, which has stood since 1919 as a symbol of harmony, is now at the center of a bizarre geopolitical flex. Trump reportedly envisions replacing it with a “huge, beautiful statue of me holding a tariff agreement—gold-plated, obviously.”
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Put-in-Bay Residents Consider The Impact
Local residents are stunned. “I thought it was an April Fool’s prank at first,” said Put-in-Bay fisherman Hank Miller, “but then I remembered who we’re dealing with.” The plan, dubbed “Operation Tariff Takedown,” allegedly involves disassembling the granite column piece by piece and shipping it to Canada with a note reading, “Build your own peace—on your dime!”
Historians are outraged, pointing out that the monument honors Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry’s 1813 victory and the enduring U.S.-Canada friendship formalized by the Rush-Bagot Treaty. “This isn’t just a landmark; it’s a testament to cooperation,” said Dr. Evelyn Carter of the Ohio Historical Society. “Tearing it down over aluminum tariffs is like burning a bridge because you don’t like the toll.”
No Official Communications From The White House
The Trump camp has yet to confirm the story, but a cryptic post on X from the former president late last night read: “Canada’s been ripping us off for YEARS. Perry’s Monument? More like Perry’s Mistake! Time to WIN!” Supporters cheered the sentiment, with one X user suggesting the stone be repurposed into a border wall along Lake Erie.
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PIB Officials Urge Calm
Put-in-Bay officials are scrambling to respond, with the Mayor pleading for calm. “We’re a tourist town, not a tariff battleground,” she said. “Besides, the monument’s on federal land—Trump can’t just waltz in with a wrecking ball.” The National Park Service, which manages the site, declined to comment, though rangers were seen nervously eyeing the horizon for approaching bulldozers.
As the island braces for potential chaos, locals are left wondering: Is this a bold new policy, a negotiation tactic, or just another wild chapter in the Trump saga? For now, the monument stands tall—but if the tariff winds keep blowing, Perry’s legacy might just end up in pieces.